Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Thoughts.


I'm stalling. I have that all too important grad school essay sitting partially completed in another window on my computer. I'm perched at a coffee shop, eating a decidedly non-Whole30 breakfast sandwich, waiting for the caffeine to kick in. As if somehow it will infuse me with the wisdom and motivation to write a personal narrative inspiring enough that a committee will decide I possess something more desirable than my fellow applicants.

This sort of writer's block is different from those of my undergrad years. There is no grade depending on my hard work, just my whole future. If that's not enough to keep your brain paralyzed and your sleep disturbed, you must be a robot.

So here I sit trying to lubricate the gears by writing a long overdue post on a long neglected blog. Some days I really miss this place. Some days I don't. But I love that it is here when I need it. I'm a fair-weather friend, at best.

The boys have been gone since mid-June, traveling and ranching and working and doing all the things that well-traveled men do in the summer. There has probably been a lot of ice cream consumed for dinner.

I'm here, holding down the fort, earning those healthcare hours and trying desperately to muster up the courage to sum myself up in 5000 characters. To convey to them that I'm a hard worker. I hold promise! But then again, do I? Some days it's hard to tell where reality begins and the dream ends. Some days I want to wash my hands of medicine. Some days I want to be the doctor and nothing less. Most days, I'm excited for the path I have chosen.

This application year is a long shot. I've just barely made the minimum hours of patient care. My GRE scores were fine but certainly not inspiring. And, oh yeah, I'm less than a month away from the deadline for a program that utilizes rolling admission. The slots could already be filled! What's the point?! Applying next year will be better for our family. Stop making excuses, Sarah.

Isn't it amazing the things we tell ourselves in order to protect our hearts? The desire to shield our egos and prevent our dreams from being crushed, even temporarily, is strong. So strong it can halt forward movement completely. I'm working through it, but with only a month left I need to move through the emotional process a little faster. If I have to stay in this job another year, I'd rather it be by choice. That pill is easier to swallow than being told Try again next time. How silly is that logic? So silly. But somehow it became the human condition.

My life feels settled right now. I have an amazing group of coworkers, we are the most financially comfortable we've ever been, and I'm learning the ins and outs of the medical field. My coworkers are generous with their knowledge and allow me to participate in ways I never thought possible. Kiddo is entering his junior year of high school which is both flabbergasting and a relief. I feel like this is the year he will come into his own.

Oh, and I was introduced to Game of Thrones recently. (Can we talk about this show? So many thoughts. What is happening?! Also, two words: Peter. Dinklage. He's the best.)

The boys will be back in a couple short weeks and life will resume with its typical ebb and flow. I'm both excited (I miss them!) and wishing for more time (the introvert in me loves the quiet solitude of living alone.) In the meantime I have items to cross of my to-do list: projects to tackle around the house, an embroidery pattern subscription I'm four months behind on, four months of Crafter's Box projects to complete...you know, all those things that get pushed to the back of the closet. Oh right, I need to clean my closet. 

The past year has been one of tremendous growth. I've found a bravery I didn't know I had. And although confrontation of any sort practically gives me hives, I'm learning to set boundaries and stand my ground. (I've struggled with this my whole life...grownups can be bullies, too.)

My marriage has flourished into something I always wondered if it could become. I have always loved Mario, of course, but our connection has deepened. I absolutely adore that man. We communicate better, love better, fight better, and date often. He's made huge strides toward a better work-life balance which has resulted in more family time and less bickering. Over the past few years I have stopped relying on him for my own happiness and started pursuing my own passions. I've always questioned the human ability to evolve with your spouse. Most people change considerably during a lifetime, and the odds of changing in a way that remains compatible is no easy feat. Somehow we've managed to do it. Friday is our 10 year anniversary, and I can't wait to spend another 10+ years with this guy.

How's that for a broody post after a long absence? I missed you guys. A lot.